darthbalmung

Much to Roland’s dismay

Wiping out entire species seems to be the standard MO around here, doesn’t it?

 

And why are you telling us this? If there’s something valuable than you should try to find it yourself

 

He’s just jealous that Cid didn’t take him with him when the judges stayed a coup

 

I’m going to say that he was smart enough to steal a medal before he deserted, because that makes some sense

 

Blah blah blah, no one cares about your generic battle banter, let’s just get this over with already

 

Yep, now if you’d be so kind as to hand over that medal? No, well you’re a jerk

 

 

Who doesn’t love reinforcing xenophobia?

 

Because dog sledding is a common skill in Ivalice apparently, or something like that

 

No I think I’ll just take my time grinding it for everything that it’s worth, seeing as how it’s about 10 levels higher us

 

I don’t

 

I get it already, don’t mess around with the ecosystem by introducing foreign animals, why are all of the game’s morals so annoying and repetitive?

 

 

Since I didn’t use Roland, one of the mooks gets to talk for once

 

Very much so, they must be connected somehow. Now if only there was some smart in all of Ivalice, then we might be able to discern this pattern

 

 

so this dork can’t even write his own love poems? Epic Fail

 

Seeing as how get the armor, sounds fair to me

 

Finally, someone else agrees about Roland, only he ran off looking for something as soon as we took this mission, so we had to follow

 

That is the knowledge that you are about to die

 

Or it could be a vampire, either one works really, maybe, I don’t know. Grinding time though

 

 

What? What indication was given that he was a part of the Redwings? And knowing this game, there’s still about another two reincarnations of them to go through. Details are nice, dumbasses

 

 

But we need the materite for ass kissing day, err, Present day

 

If by retrieve you mean, beat the thieves and take it for ourselves, than we’ll gladly do that. Also note the wyrmstone, it works like the Hero Gaol in that using it on missions that don’t call for it may nab a semi secret character

 

Random thief has a medal, surprised?

 

That’s subtle, and in no way draws suspicion to you at all

 

Of course, the actual issue of guilt doesn’t matter to Roland so much as stroking his own ego does

 

No you just suck

 

And now it’s ours, you probably shouldn’t hire gangs to get your riches back

 

 

Now this is a radical thought I know, but once there was no mist, and now there is mist, but don’t mind me as I’m full of radical notions like the Earth is round and it revolves around the sun

 

This actually sounds like it might be remotely challenging, I accept

 

32? that’s it? I guess this might be challenging if you’re playing the game right, but that’s just a few levels difference for me, damn it.

 

 

Stronger than you meatbag

 

Well that absolves us of any guilt in having it be 4 on 1, but we could’ve lived with the guilt anyway

 

Again, you assume this means something, we really aren’t above stealing stuff from people that are unconscious

 

 

This is a convenient, another chance to get on our soapbox, and Montblanc thought it was such a bad investment. The poor guy isn’t used to having so much money that it has no value

 

 

Where did that come from? This only makes sense when you figure that we happen to have the blue rose. But yeah, if it’s a roaming blue mission then you have to a choice

 

This is a good trade, allmighty is the the ultimate antilaw in that nulls practically every law(the ones that it doesn’t erase are for special toruneys) This begs the question of the how fuck does she have this and we don’t. We saved Ezel’s ass and the bastard hasn’t seen fit to repay us!

 

 

Also known as a generic enemy that isn’t special

 

that’s because your worthless clan members are taking up most of the roster space

 

No, it’s a big fucking sword, even you should be able to recognize that

 

I really want to know just when I was supposed to do this, because their levels were lower than the last story mission.

 

but Roland hasn’t preached anything yet…

 

Ask and ye shall receive, give it a rest motherfucker

 

Now you may be wondering why Roland doesn’t say anything here, the answer is simple, this being an optional level, the writers can’t permit any sort of development that would give this game depth beyond the main story missions, judge that for yourselves

 

What sort of testing would this require exactly? From the description you just need someone to say whether this is brighter or not than a bloody fire! Why can’t you do it and save the money?

 

Well if you’re a nervous trainwreck than she’ll notice you

 

Ladies(who am I kidding?) and gentlemen, we have Roland’s mother, and she has apparently adopted fill that void in her life. That is the only explanation for someone who is down right stupid enough to think that a showing someone a dictionary of all things will make them perfectly normal. No, you not being a horrible parent will make them perfectly normal

 

At least you are required to have a black mage for this

 

New skill

 

As compared to cat bangaa? And why didn’t you just pay a healer to do this? How hard can that be?

 

Cause apparently the fruit seller just sells shit that isn’t fit for animal consumption

 

I’ve run out of mog knight skills so moving on. Also take note that if you do change someone out of an advanced job, they need to be able to change back on their own, just in case you were wondering

 

This is why you need a logistics division, and where are you fighting a war anyway? It can’t be Ivalice, so yeah

 

Why? That literally makes no sense, I man the simple every day sort of sense. Who expects a host to be magician?

 

Needing only one animist ability to unlock advanced jobs, we’re moving on

 

Keep cutting yourself in the exact same manner… what I’m not allowed to be stupid as well?

 

Adding to the various crimes that this game supports is stalking

 

Blizzaga has eluded me until now, so let’s fix that

 

Curses, our attempts at stalking are being foiled by nature itself, I guess declaring genocide on several species has its effects

 

Off to be felons!

 

So let me get this straight, we have to train someone to be good at something just because their dad was good at it. I know, i should expect this from a fantasy setting, but methinks these kids have issues if it really is a dream

 

Bounty yeah whatever

 

why have a medal in a Jagd, they mean nothing! Also when the hell was I was supposed to do this? I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be past 16 when I opened up this mission regardless.

 

 

I don’t care, I just want to kill you and get the cash

 

Yeah as a corpse, remember the whole dying in jagds bit?

 

A totema to the face will do it, you emo

 

I can’t tell you how much I’ve wanted this mission to pop up, as for the most of the game I’ve had missions that require jerky yet no way to get it, problem solved

 

Such as this one, where we play the role of an enable

 

Says the dam official, you know what?  If all of this is just a dream, then the writers are showing that they are really fucking messed up kids. Of course, I don’t think they could write something like that so the point is moot

 

Of course I can send someone who doesn’t know how to wield a sword at all and still clear this, I smell a cheater

 

And here we have one of the rare missions that actually makes sense, although why only send one guy when this could’ve easily been a battle mission I have no idea

 

He’s one of the semi secret characters, and he’s several levels higher than I am right now, so he can also raise the average enemy level

 

No you see, this is what happens when you try to wipe several species, the ecosystem goes all screwy on you, you idiots deserve it

 

 

Magic

 

so what the hell are we supposed to do about it? Again, there’s no actual mission here

 

Again, this actually makes sense, although the title made me think of drugs

 

 

And I’m assuming that there is some reason why can’t just attack the dragon ourselves, ro something?

 

 

I love the menial crap that I can send these guys on

 

I thought we were getting some dragons to help us, who the hell is this guy?

 

Because we suck or something like that, I really hate it when I have no exposition what so ever

 

One totema later

 

Considering how hard you guys were, I don’t see why we couldn’t do it ourselves

 

Unfortunately, I can’t send Roland in the hopes that he’ll die from this

We already had Materite, so why do we have to go and get more, when i could have just done this at the beginning of the update and not waste my time? Oh right, becasue the plot said so

 

I don’t see how just handing out hats will make you more prestigious in the slightest

 

 

Hopefully something that will kill you, assuming you have enough anyway. The whole point of this is that Materite is extremely rare but he finds enough in 2 seconds

 

They usually are, their probably working with the ninja barkeep

 

Seeing as how they’re after you materite and not you head, there’s no reason to assume that it’s Doned, especially given as how rare matertie is right now, there’s no reason to rule out someone else who wanted it and the streetear was just telling them where to get it.This also reveals just how much fo a prick Roland is by automatically assuming that his brother is behind it. On the other hand, it is a sign of good storytelling to keep everything unifited, and if you bring something up it should have some relevance. So you choose how stupid this is.

 

 

After beating them

And to the surprise of no one, he really was behind it

 

 

It looks like a gun, but it’s the materite

 

It fits in your hand, how is that big? And how do you know what “big” is? You have nothing to use as a reference

 

Considering how they always talk in a pub where anyone can overhear them, this is isn’t surprising

 

Do you ever actually respond to someone when they accuse you of something beyond awkward silence? Whenever you harass anyone else in this game they have the decency to answer back but you are such a self righteous prick that you can’t imagine anyone disagreeing with you!

 

Doned’s actually funny, all things considered

 

I didn’t get the screencap of this, so just make do

 

You’re a dick, I don’t know, maybe the whole being in a fucking wheelchair and having some medical condition where as in this world he doesn’t? Ring a bell?

 

 

Everyone else has been at best apathetic to your goal, the others hate you, why should he be different?

 

No he doesn’t, his life sucked as well and his entire motive is just the moral of the game, but please don’t let that get in your way, we all just learn to deal with by deriding Roland

 

Again, he doesn’t have friends, Ritz hates him, Mewt is probably screwed up from the whole having two sets of memories thing , and I can just feel he brotherly love between you two

 

this should come as no surprise to anyone how he responds

 

He doesn’t think, he just goes with his gut in truthiness. I can’t believe how many good jokes I’m actually wasting on this shit heap of a game

 

The notion of Roland actually having some depth is astounding to me, too bad it was introduced about 60-75% into the game and serves as his sole character trait that actually makes him something resembling human, hooray for poor writing

 

 

And that’s a wrap, join me next time as we finish this Present day nonsense.

It goes without saying that FOX is the devil and pretty much hates good tv whenever it has the audacity to actually show up on their channel. One only needs to look at Titus, Arrested Development, Futurama, Firefly, Angel, and  Drive(Or you can just replace the last three with anything that has Tim Minear on it)

Fortunately, I'm not the only who thinks this and FOX's hatred for good tv is easily overridden by profit(we are talking about the mouthpiece of the Republivan party after all)  Firefly has a movie, Arrested Development is getting a movie and Futurama got the best out of all them thanks ot Comedy Central in the form of the four tv moives which were solid and gave the series a nice ending.

But wait, Comedy Central is going to air another season of Futurama? Excellent! Only there is just one slight problem. Yes, FOX, bieng FOX has sought to cut cost by recasting the main characters. This is heresy, to put it lightly.  Thier defling the series in order to score a cheap buck, but that's why we have discontiunity. 



God, how bored can I be to actually rehash my FOX is the devil rant? Whatever, I just felt I needed to write something so this will have to do.

Why can’t I be done? My sanity is dependent upon it

And then we can be like the pharmaceutical companies by charging outlandish prices for this

 

And after a long break(seriously who decided to space them out this way) we can continue to following the Hero Gaol in order to stroke Roland’s enormous ego

 

Different guy pal, we’re just passing through

 

In a book called Hero Gaol, that’s not going to be biased at all

 

Random legendary monster has medal, I am just baffled at this point as to why medals exist at all, let alone the fact that everyone and their mother has one

 

 

 

No, that’s just a stupid serial killer who has a serious reaper fetish(don’t ask)

 

And what do we have to do exactly? Inflating Roland’s ego doesn’t make him a better person

 

That makes me so happy, now I have something to live for!

 

And I didn’t get the rest of this, rest assured that it would involve generic battle banter and Roland comparing himself to Gaol

 

This makes no sense in my game as, baguba and Roda are nowhere close to one another and they would have to cross another town to get there. Not the best move on their part

 

Rare find of a mission that actually makes sense

 

A rare moment of clarity for Roland

 

Genocide isn’t the answer for everything you prick, even if you don’t care about the environmental repercussions

 

 

You idiots forgot to feed the trapped animals that make the sands bark

 

I hate you

 

And enter Lledmar, this should be midly interesting, or at the very least distract us from the stupid mission

 

Again, I’m not skipping any dialogue, Roland just can’t follow a conversation

 

Llednar just ignores Roland, this is a rather smart idea

 

Does this mean that the game is almost over? I’m so happy

 

yeah, you can’t stop me

 

+And who the hell is interrupting us?

 

Where the hell did you come from?

 

How?

 

Or maybe not, who knows?

 

How? this is making less sense than usual, damn it

 

 

Shut up, we can take him

 

And I really want this game to be over

 

And this guy has a medal, apparently the judges being free of the palace doesn’t stop the palace from screwing the rules

 

You’re a wimp and he’s an ass

 

I will defeat you with my blushing checks

 

Can’t we just skip this pre battle banter and get to the part where I beat you?

 

this only last for a few turns so try to steal as much as you can off of Llednar

 

For some unexplained reason, he’s invincible

 

Dude, we’re like five levels higher than you on average, what are you talking about?

 

 

He has a medal so screw the rules, he’s also invincible he could stab us to death and we couldn’t do anything about it, Llednar is yet another incompetent dumbass

 

 

What? You can move in and out of the seams and take people with you? With the hell didn’t you do that during the last totema battle to get Roland away from the crystal?

 

Don’t bother asking, he won’t give you an answer, believe me

 

See

 

I don’t know, I’m just following the stock morals and applying them at random!

 

No, normal people don’t suck as much as Roland, take that back!

 

I have a feeling that Roland is the equivalent of the star wars kid in this universe

 

At least you stop looking like a girl

 

this answer shouldn’t surprise anyone by this point

 

How do you know it’s wrong, what gives you the sole authority to decide that it is wrong?

 

Drugs are fun

 

He’s even being berated by himself, Roland you suck

 

I agree

 

I really wouldn’t call it thinking

 

yes, totemas aren’t anything yet they can interact with you, please be more of a dick

 

Just as long as this game ends soon

 

rush Mateus and kill her quickly, that’s the plan

 

Maybe this world is real, asshole

 

All a drug hallucination?

 

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? I just wasted so much time breaking crystals and listening to Roland try to connect everything that happens, to these stupid things,  to find out that they don’t matter in the slightest? WHAT THE FUCK!?

 

 

Commit suicide?

 

He’ll have you killed, and that solves that

 

 

You can fucking waltz in, and see Mewt, you rule the bloody country!

 

 

Screw you Cid

 

Well, that excludes us, so no point in continuing this conversation

 

Screw commoners, unless they have something nice? Fuck monarchies

 

No not really

 

And thus the plot is set for the next few missions, why couldn’t this end

 

 

That’s a wrap, join me next time for more of the same, what else would you expect by this point?

And I though i had issues with my brother

I’m not sure how this lets us claim the place as our turf, but it does make sense in and of itself

 

Staging the coup, the nerve of him, hmpf

 

Pick your poison, either the laws are decided by Mewt’s tantrums or the unhinged psyche of the Judgemaster who has no check on his power

 

They were biased before? My explanation is just a vain attempt at making sense of all this

 

So yeah, it’s a coup then if they’re not taking orders from the palace, then the judges just usurped the government

 

Seeing as how he can use a law card that makes anything illegal, I don’t think the palace would have a choice

 

Surprise

 

Why do you keep saying Mewt so melodramatically?

 

Flashback time

 

Just not physically, as Daddy needs to get back at Mommy for not being real by making her powerless as I stage a coup

 

Mewt is obviously a disciple of the Roland school of speech

 

Ass Kiss Algus, please shut up

 

While I do feel sorry for Mewt, I also find him to be an annoying brat

 

But don’t worry, he’s still incompetent like everyone else

 

wow, the Queen is a manipulative bitch who likes to exploit Mewt’s insecurities, if this is all Mewt’s dreams than he has  A LOT MORE psychological problems than  we see at first glance

His full name is Llednar Twem which is Mewt Randell reversed, he’s supposed to be direct opposite of Mewt who feeds off of his negative emotions, or something like that. Again, no explanation, or if there is than I am just drawing a blank

 

I might of missed a line here, but you can tell what’s going on

 

he’s also the only bishounen in the game, thankfully we don’t have to deal with anything that bish FF villains usually get. If I’m wrong here, I really do not want to know

 

And with that end scene

 

I can now learn the –aga level spells

 

I wonder how good a cook my clan members are, I bet we kill the guy

 

 

It should be obvious to anyone who’s familiar to the FF series what we’re dealing with here, just like at the rewards. Yes, Tonberries 

 

and then we use unsavory business practices to build a monopoly

 

Random murderer monster has a medal, what point do the laws have?

 

yet another disciple of the Roland speech school

 

And he can tell that from a walk? Since when did he gain super deduction skills?

 

Well said

 

And Roland just accepts the regime change without a problem

 

 

How many times do I have to tell you worthless morons that you should do your own damned jobs?

 

So in other words we have to go track down criminals who show just a little too much brotherly love to one another

 

only one of these guys has a medal, go figure

 

Stereotypical pre battle banter

 

Undterstatement

 

Flans eat wood? That’s random

 

Typo no.3: it should read I’ve never seen so many flans

 

And thus the Great Flan Hunt was begun, only ending with the complete extinction of all Flans

 

 

More what? Historic findings? What sort of findings, I smell a trap, and since we have to take it, I declare Clan Kickass a bunch of gullible halfwits

 

And look, it is a trap, I am not surprised at all

 

but the judge let me go, and he’s the leader now

 

 

Just give us a moment here guys, he’s a little slow

 

Seeing as how a bunch of people saw us taking the job, and it was obviously a trap to start with

 

And we’re just moving along here; and how could actually enforce this bounty/ The judges should regard this

 

It’s a trap, can’t you figure it out/

 

Anyone at the pub, and whoever set the trap in the first place, this isn’t hard

 

Nope, your ego just wants someone to watch you

 

 

And I just got steal: ability from clan level ups, this is another thing that I shoulnd’t be getting for a while

 

Seriously? the best you can do is bring back Clan Borzoi? They just refuse to die and are supposed to be like cockroaches, I’m going to call them Neo Nazis.

 

Neo Nazis have medals as well

 

And create a thousand year Reich!

 

that’s a good question, actually

 

One of the Assassins has a  ribbon, worth stealing if you have a Viera in order to ignore status ailments

 

Sieg Heil!

 

Under our benevolent dictatorship of course

 

we can always beat them so they see stars, but I don’t think you mean that do you?

 

Glad to know that journalism in Ivalice holds itself up to such high standards

 

there is only so many times that I can do a medal joke

 

Aw, isn’t it cute that he thinks that he can kill us?

 

In a rare moment of clarity, Roland also gets the joke

 

 

You freaking stole a story, that’s ethical by any stretch of the imagination

 

Some background is needed: after beating the Redwings you find out that they smuggled foreign animals into the country as well. while, this is a legitimate ecological concern, is there any other way that you can be xenophobic?

 

Not at all

 

 

that’s 12 levels higher than my average, i farmed this for as long as I could

 

I thought it was Glasm?

 

So let’s go wandering in the desert, possibly die, all to help travelers. Since I hate my clan members I have no problem sending them to die

 

It’s obviously the Neo Nazi tools of the Redwing. also, shouldn’t the judges be heading this since, smuggling is well illegal?

 

I don’t believe you! Or rather, Roland doesn’t, I don’t care either way to be honest

 

Be more unbelievable, really this isn’t incriminating at all

 

Wrong, it’s moogles, oh wait, that’s apparently the same thing to you jerks

 

 

Don’t feel bad, you didn’t even try; no wait, you’re horrible at this and should be ashamed of yourself

 

 

Probably not, not to mention I’m not sure how this qualifies as just getting evidence. Weren’t we supposed to leave it to the impotent palace?

 

Why would I want to do that? I’d be better off just beating both of you and stealing your stuff

 

I can learn Concentrate now, this pretty much breaks the game as accuracy is used in order to balance out attack power and concentrate just jacks it up to the 90% area under the worst conditions

 

In other words, go kill a random dog and bury them in a mine, sounds easy enough

 

Not really, but I don’t have much choice here so

 

I hope you all die

 

And we’ll never go hungry again, as we become zombies from dying of hunger

 

Nothing quite like Vigilante justice

 

on patrol for what? I think he’s telling us to impersonate officers of the law and be vigilantes. It’s good to teach children such valuable lessons.

 

This guy is actually somewhat Genre savvy, too bad we’re going to beat him

 

More bland battle banter

 

Thank you Cpt. Moral, anything else you want to tell me?

 

So the rose isn’t alive anymore, it would be nice if you could tell me if there was more than one or whether you’re trying to kill me in a bad trap

 

I don’t care, just die, please? pretty please?

 

Back to fighter, where I am an angel of death, moreso

 

but you can pay us to give these medals to pay the innkeep, as that makes perfect sense. I smell a scam.

 

this actually makes sense, somewhat

 

Remember Doned? He was the crippled little brother who has a big stake in not going back to his miserable life in the other world, as he can walk and isn’t kept alive solely by the marvels of modern medicine

 

 

Naturally Doned would have also picked something up from Roland’s speech school

 

and he sells us out to bounty hunters. Can’t you just feel the brotherly love?

 

Actually this should be surprising to Roland, as far as we know the palace or Ritz hasn’t run into Doned yet to tell him that his brother wants to drag everyone back to the other world, so why would he sell him out? Doned has issues to work out.

 

the prince is a bart and you couldn’t get me if I was fighting you in the nude

 

Glad to know that ou can identify your brother when you’re standing so close to him

 

And now we’re going to go Jack Bauer on your ass

 

 

Or I’ll feed this towel down your throat, and once you start to digest it, I’ll yank it right out, along with our digestive system

 

Well what do you know, you can get information without torture

 

that he has always hated you and wants you to die. Logically speaking, that’s the only it can mean. He can’t know about the crystals and he was around when the book was flashing, so its not like he shouldn't be there.

 

And that’s a wrap, next time more crystals! yet it’s not the end of the game

Lately I've found that I'm just not interested in the current/next gen of video games with the exception of the DS as it seems to me that the video game industry as taken a dive. the consoles all have their own flaws and the PC market is far too consumed by Microsoft, which is a problem in and of itself, and god awful DRM in order to prevent piracy.

The Wii has the problem of most its games being utter crap and the controller is questionable, for lack of a better term. While it does have games like Brawl and Wiiware, and the Virtual Console, most of its games are subpar ports othe PS3/360 games or just outright crap made to score a cheap buck. 

the PS3 from the start has had the price issue in that it seemed like a was paying for a really pricey paper weight. There is just a complete vacuum of good exclusive games for it, at this point the only expection in my opinion is Valyira Chronicles, which seems interesting at the very least, and possilby FFxIII, and I haven't really been puled into a numbered game since FFX. And of course, who can forget the fact that sony released a 'how to review a game' guide in order to get better socres for the flop that was Lair?

And finally, we approach the horse that I foolishy bet on this generation with the 360. On the surface it seems like the best this gen in my opinion as it has a great deal of good excsluves, live arcade and a decent pirce. The crippling problem? Microsoft has no grasp on the concept of quality control, at all. At this point I have to send my 360 back three times, one of these being the RROD where it was just cheaper to by another one, that had a problem with it as well. This is bullshit, I have a working N64 and orignial fat PS2, but something fresh off the assembly line failes immediatlely. This is not how you should be able to run a business, but seeing as people are supid and the US government did nothing when the had to chance to break Microsoft close to a decade ago; I guess this is what you should expect from a monopoly that produces the most popluar game to date in Halo 3.

PC is a nightmare to deal with, even if there weren't the issues inherent in just getting a game to run at all. Online gaming, barring non SOE MMORPGs, is effectivley being strangled by Games for Winodws Live, a horrible system that does nothing for the consumer but add even more annoyance. As if that wasn't bad enough, you also have DRM that extends beyond any sane practice by limiting nubmer of installations, or requring you to be connected to the internet at all times. Both of these systems require the companies to actually continue them past the next few years or until the release of a sequel; otherwise these games have a shelf life of a few years, and than nothing. Not even the optionof pursuing it secondhand as the disc will be worthless.

As much as I enjoy video games, I honestly cannot bring myself to find anything redemmable in the current market that isn't a handheld.

Ass Kiss! We’ve missed you

 

Couldn’t we have done this back in Muscadet?

 

The others are still criminals

 

hate you too Ass Kiss

 

And I had help too. What? If I’m going under I’m taking you with me, revolution be damned

 

 

Random fact: I just remembered that the totema names are same as bosses in their version of Final Fantasy, tying into the whole dream thing. I still stand by my theory though of Mewt just imprinting crap on this world

 

 

Yeah, you’re there too, only you’re a bum who is a complete joke

 

I’m calling Babus Kiss Ass Algus from now on, if you don’t get the reference then go play the original FFT, if you don’t then I’ll just explain it as Algus being a prick who thought commoners were animals and is universally hated by the fandom, but go play FFT anyway as its a great game

 

 

that’s the plan

 

That’s a good question actually, but we’re going to act like he never brought it up

 

And of course, confronted with its possibility, Roland gives his classic response of silence

 

quite literally the game would not let him do that, if it was even possible as we’re about to quickly learn

 

 

Note the second one, Cid is right about that, Roland doesn’t have friends in the other world. Why do I point this out so much? the game likes to state otherwise, when it’s really apparent that it isn’t the case.

 

And it’s around this part that Roland shows that he really isn’t human, by which I mean that he doesn’t function like a human fro the most part and becomes the mouthpiece for the theme

 

I cannot emphasize how much this is his signature response to everything

 

His motive is an Aesop about escapism? That’s honestly the best that they could do? They couldn’t give him actual exposition for his motive? Part of me honestly wonders why I still do this, the plot is so bad

 

It’s magic, so I guess that could happen, since they threw out the whole crystals make monsters crazy thing long ago

 

What? Why would you geniuses make a totema like that? Can’t really protect itself, can it?

 

Random Fact: Ultima and this guy both do MP damage, while the ones that are an actual boss fight do HP damage

 

I always found it odd that I just had to beat the totema and the crystals would just break on their own. Only the incompetent morons of Ivalice could come up with this system though

 

They don’t need to help me, my overleveld form can do that all by itself

 

It’s only Ass Kiss algus, and I already bat him once

 

But there’s some well developed reason that compels me to find a way home right?

 

No, he’s spouting a moral instead. This is not believable at all, a kid whose life sucks and gets pulled into a fantasy world, real or not, is not going to be so eager to go home because its escapism. Also, the only thing even remotely concrete about this being a game is Ritz saying so, and she wouldn’t know anymore than we would. They just didn’t bother to flesh this out at all so that it would be convincing, instead we have a half assed plot that at least a decent amount of people, myself included, feel that they failed horribly and Roland is a psycho who wants to kill a world; all because that is what we actually see in the game instead of accepting the moral blindly.

On a related note, the creator has said that only this version of Ivalice is a dream, not a game, and every other one is real, somehow, as far as I’m concerned that’s just a lazy cop out to cover you own lazy ass.

 

 

And if he does, why would you try to get something who was a bum in the other world to be on your side? Cid is probably better fine with not having those problems anymore

 

Even if my memory was wiped, I’d want to forget something like that anyway you jerk. another random fact: Cid is a drunk in the Japanese version

 

I’d say both

 

well there’s my whole imprinting yourself into an already existing world,feel free to come up with your own

 

 

that’s not even answering the question! You can’t have characters raise criticism of the plot and then ignore them, it just shows how weak the plot really is if you can’t have your own avatar answer it. And in case you’re wondering, I’m not skipping dialogue

 

Seeing as how they inhabit this world, they’re not about to label it escapism

 

 

If we follow the whole dream line of thought, then this would be fair, although you could make an argument about drug users wanting to quit along the same lines

 

Masochism sucks, why put up with something that you don’t have to? After all I put up with this game for you, the readers

 

this is true

 

why what he stops talking after this? I want an answer that’s not a moral

 

So the actual fight is supposed to hard as Ass Kiss Algus can rape you, but I stole his armor(you really want to do this regardless) and then killed in two hits. If you can’t kill him then just steal his armor and run around breaking all the crystals while keeping your health up

 

Why didn’t Cid do anything to help?

 

drug induced fun, we probably shouldn’t have eaten those fruit/totema

 

Don’t you just feel so much better about yourself?

 

ah who cares about those pesky little details that could actually explain how the hell the book works

 

In other words, in order to compensate for the fact that I was a bum, I’m going to stage a coup d'état. Don’t believe me? He’s separating the law from the palace, and thus the oversight in place, and placing it in the hands of the judges, for some reason.

 

Seeing as how you both remember part of your other selves, it might be better for you to work some things between you tow instead? I really can’t see that as being the best thing for Mewt

 

And since I am the law, they can’t stop me!

 

I can see where Cid is coming from with this, since he has tow separate but equally valid set of memories

 

I'm soo scared

 

having staged a coup, we need to cement our rule, Ezel is going to be pissed

 

Law that we dictate

 

Now I realize how much of a loser I was

 

that’s a warp, join me next time as we go through even more plot but mixed in with filler this time

no really

 

In case you have ADD, here’s another reminder about the crystals

 

 

 

Even Ezel puts Roland down

 

 

Random thought: the so called genius doesn’t bother to think of why that is, he can override the laws, how bad can Roland be? And fo course, we get Roland’s classic answer of silence

 

That actually makes more sense then just searching the towns

 

Popcorn, what do you think you retarded half wit?

 

Ezel is a good revolutionary, you could learn something from him

 

 

NO, your shop sucks, you never have any good trading cards

 

Upon entering Muscadet

Help, help I’m being oppressed!

 

 

 

If I’ve learned anything, this game likes to use moogles as stand ins for dirty foreigners, and dirty foreigners are always guilty

 

 

Don’t question the arbitrary decision of the judges, they’re always right. Even though this game encourages you to break laws.

 

 

 

 

 

You do want to destroy the crystals right? do that and none of this will matter

 

that’s fair enough and a demonstration of a level of empathy that a psycho like Roland normally wouldn’t show. Yay consistency

 

He’s coming in, you don’t need to be fucking violent about, nutjob

 

No really, he knows that you exist, not that you’re the prick everyone wants

 

so yeah, I think Montblanc gets replaced with Ezel for every appearance after this point if you kill him off. Be sure to swipe the armor of the two templars,

 

Why doesn’t he call for Babus? he can actually identify him

 

 

 

 

 

Again, Babus could do this

 

Yeah they do, they helped you destroy the crystals

 

Or that

 

Yes it is

 

Yay bond one liner. Thus concludes part one

Interesting thing to note, this is a two part battle, and you can't save in between, thus saving people the chance of being stuck.

I had to cut so much material out of this so it could fit

  

yay! Illegal activity, I approve of teaching kids bad lessons

 

Normally I would have just bought it, but for some random reason, doing so causes you to fail the mission. Am I missing something here, the ob was to get the stupid fur, not to catch the poachers. No indication what so ever is given about this. It makes no sense!

 

More criminals with medals. did Roland just miss the day that they were handing out medals because he was too stupid to figure where he needed to go despite the big signs that were pointing the way?

 

Yes, and that’s why we’re going to beat you and then take them

 

Where did that come from? Is this some sort of sting operation that they didn’t bother to actually say?

 

And knowing is half the battle

 

 

Magus Sisters, legacy reference, only these sisters are push overs and suck

 

Feel free to replace this with the Team Rocket motto, at least that way there will be some nostalgia thrown in

 

You Suck

 

Why didn’t you then?

 

Who the hell is the mysterious minstrel, and why does he have all of the info on the Falbabrids? He gives the missions for all of the sigils and the final redwings mission, and it’s just bugs me

 

 

Remember when I said that the Redwings were xenophobic fears? Here’s what I didn’t mention, all of the elites are monsters that can talk, and they all have moogles as their pawns. but don’t forget that even these evil foreigners have medals

 

I’m guessing Roland doesn’t handle the mission prep at all. Did you read the mission or did you just pick one at random and said ‘let’s do that one’

 

Two? Do you pay attention at all?

 

I just got the weapon that teaches double sword, and double sword is awesome. Also note, that I shouldn’t have gotten this for a while normally, but having to do so many damned “X is under attack” missions has jacked my clan level up

 

There’s a witty name for you, i hate puns, I also have nothing to write for this, can’t you tell?

 

 

A zombie is rather underwhelming for a lich, I was expecting a vampire to be honest

 

what? that’s just weird

 

and this shouldn’t be anything new to you, you have fought zombies in the past

 

True on both accounts,or at least I expect that to be true with zombies, but as we’re learning here, the truth or reality or the laws of nature simply don’t stop us; now I feil like a cheap rip off Team Dai-Gurren

 

  

You think you see a connection? what connection can you possibly not see? 

 

A ceffyl is a horse, what he fuck is this supposed to mean? You’re making a horse out of sigils that a need to make a special rock with?

 

   

You know the drill by this point

 

Are we done yet? Oh, we are well then moving on nothing new to see here

 

 

Kung fu Action Jesus

 

And we have to make another horse, this really doesn’t make any sense. In comparison to all the other stupid things in this game, this one takes the cake hands down; now I wonder what will come up to top it of course

 

 

why the hell would we give you info you bums, we’ll just go catch the bounty ourselves. You need a network of informants, not plastering this at a pub. also, his missions really doesn’t work the way they have it set up. You’re paying money to tell other guys about a bounty, how does that make sense. It should’ve been one of those missions triggered by cutscene

 

Random mook has a medal

 

No, we just want to beat you so we can collect the bounty

 

this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, but the bounty is for Roland

 

Try listening to them, they are not that far away!

 

Roland, we all hate you, stop trying to get yourself killed, you always fail at it and end up dragging us along with you. If you want to kill yourself make sure it is a foolproof method

 

No, the other Roland with the other Clan Kickass, why is this surprising to you? Babus knows who you are now, and you are trying to destroy the world ; not to mention that Babus is the only one who is remotely competent in this whole game. 

You’re just jealous

Actually you’re pathetically underleveled and your defeat is only prolonged by the RNG deciding that I miss

 

There are many reasons that I hate the plot of this game, first and foremost being that the main character is a fucking moron who should have died long ago. Why wouldn’t the palace put a bounty on your head, you want to destroy the world!

 

In case you forgot, you ADD afflicted gamer

 

in my crazed attempts to try to make this small enough, I cut out the recruitment screen of Lini, who is a semi-secret character that comes with a rare skill, and I need a moogle for dispatch missions. 

 

 

‘they’ are dead, we beat them in a jagd, you know where we can die? Otherwise, let’s all point and laugh at his bad fortune

 

 

What point does a medal have in jagd? Now I’m just being mocked

 

So now we are going to kill you all, really

 

We have officially crossed the line into complete fucking psychos, we just murdered a bunch of people for an accident without even bothering to find out what happened. I feel so god right now, don’t you?

 

 

YOU STUPID FUCK, THEY ARE ALL DEAD! WHY ARE YOU MOCKING THEIR CORPSES? ARE YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

  

Of course, with the power of alchemy anything is possible, even making two horses into a special rock

 

Just one more mission and we can finish it

 

Glasm? what sort of stupid name is that? I thought his name was Grissom? And the dirty foreigner has a medal, but he isn’t a monster, so that must be an improvement

 

  

A.) Blame the minstrel B.) You Suck C.) No one else is here as they’re all lazy

 

Know what? what did the spiritstone do? I want an explanation; it’s like the writers picked common things from fantasy at random and just throw them together without any coherence involved

 

Because clocks are a serious business where counterfeits would be a major problem for collectors… what?

 

Remember them? I do, but I’m not the intended player of an ADD inflicted gamer

 

Aw how nice

 

Roland doesn’t know how to respond to this act of kindness, so he falls back on his stock response of silence

 

A.) I honestly can’t take clock forging seriously B.) trading Roland for a pardon is a pretty good idea actually, Shara also might be competent

 

That’s about the most badass thing that anyone has said all game, I like Shara, I honestly do

 

  

Do you ever give it a rest?

 

Here’s a radical notion, actually try persuading her to agree with instead of just insisting like an asshole that you’re right. While we’re at it, why don’t you give us your fucking motive?

 

Why do you want to leave so much? What, I’m just stooping down to his level of debate

 

You guess? were you paying attention at all? His life was a shithole in the other world; and before you ask, yes, Ritz does have a motive and we will learn it very shortly

 

 

Someone’s hit a nerve, what’d I’ll tell you?

 

How common a name is Mewt? And wouldn’t you be wondering if he was here or not to begin with?

 

Roland is used to no one wanting him around though

 

Ritz is an ass , haven’t you noticed?

 

Kung Fu Action Jesus?

 

Ritz can’t go play high and mighty now, she was being an ass  just a sec ago. Also, Roland doesn’t suck in this world nuff said

 

Ritz spells it out a bit more than I do, and Roland has no answer, typical

 

How are you two friends again?

 

No, seriously how are they friends?

 

You do realize that he wants to destroy the world right?

 

Let’s all point at Roland as he leaves with his head bowed in shame

 

In that overbearing control freak way of his

 

For starters, that will erase you from existence Shara; I love how no one picks up on that fact at all

 

On general principle, this is a good point, the only problem is that the writers make it a point for their lives to suck in their entirety in the other world.We already know about Mewt, we’re going to find out about Ritz now, and Roland will come in a while

 

i know what you’re all thinking, this is a complete BS reason right? Keep in mind that children are devils who will be dicks to anyone who is different, and that this was made in Japan, where they  place more emphasis on conformity

 

 

Well this is deeper than I expected from these writers, Ritz’s problems can be attributed to her mom being ashamed of her and the issues that this would naturally cause. I honestly think that a guest writer did this bit

 

I can appreciate this, Ritz is aware of her situation and is actually acting human, this part of her character I honestly like

 

Everyone is incompetent

 

C’mon even Roland can avoid that if he stays out of the towns for a while

 

Ass Kiss earning his moniker

 

Mewt is a brat, but you can’t help but feel sorry for him, and cue scene end

 

That’s a wrap, join me next time as i spend the same amount of screenshots solely on plot.

this is something unexpected, plot advancement that doesn’t involve the crystals

And then we’ll be one step closer to taking over the world. There is only so many ways that I can make fun of these missions

 

At least someone is aware that they’re incompetent, this is a step in the right step

 

You have to fight no matter what you choose

 

And? The only laws you want to enforce are the laws regarding combat

 

Because no one ever screws up their job in Ivalice

 

If a mailman has a medal  then stealing the mail must be a common event

 

And nothing will come of it, don’t you just fell safe as your tax gil go towards various good projects?

 

 

I’m more important so shove off

 

 

I think we have some date rape rugs laying around, so we’ll send Lesley to do

 

This is a nice refreshing breath of actually making sense

 

Enter Baguba Port and you get this

Let’s all point and laugh at the random' moogle’s misfortune who claims to be related to Montblanc, all so we can remember that he exists in the plot

 

He’s is idiot fighter that I found, he’s really strong but don’t strain his brain too much, kupo

 

this is what you get when you legalize gangs

 

she came alive and tried to kill you by the power of a Clan… what? I want something interesting to happen for once

 

Understatement

 

Now I’ll have to repay the Moogle Mafia in other ways, more disturbing ways

 

Well we haven’t gotten an icon for them yet form the mysterious feather in the sky so there was no reason

 

And they can’t go because… if the writers have one problem it’s that they have never looked up exposition or setting, flesh it out!

 

 

There’s no one ot enforce the laws, what do you think?

 

Good anarchist

 

they’re all cowards

 

Montblanc is a filthy traitor to the Revolution

 

Roland was never one for paying attention

 

Cause we’re that good?

 

 

this actually makes sense in the greater scheme of things, the monarchy can just have dissidents make a living fighting one another so they’ll rise up while being bribed by the monarchy to keep the status quo so they never get killed

 

Montblanc is a good brother don’t you think? It’s the idiot who stumbled into this world that’s telling him to help his brother

 

Yes Roland convinced me to

 

Please die, please die, please die

 

You’re the one who didn’t want to go in the first place, what the hell are you talking about?

 

Well you know how preoccupied he’s been with wanting to erase you from existence

 

Speaking of which, he’s ever going to show up?

 

In other words, right here?

 

Your deathbed?

 

O RLY?

 

Roland has  a loose definition of friend to say the least, it’s the only way that he can say that he has friends

 

It won’t

 

Not every sceenshot can produce bad commentary

 

We killed the bad guys, no capture for them

 

THEY ARE DEAD!  You handed over their dead bodies

 

We also stopped worrying about money a long while ago

 

Granted some people like doing that kind of work for the Mafia

 

That could also work, being a front has its perks

 

this unlocks trade goods at shops, there are categories of random items that you can buy, but if you don’t have someone to link with, then forget it as you can only do it once. The system is notable for being the only surefire way to get at least one mithril weapon

 

This is also the last time that Montblanc really does anything, as he can die after this point, a lot of people who take this game way to seriously do kill him off in fact as he is horrible in a serious analysis. So he’s pushed to the sidelines of the story and  there are stand ins in case he does die. I won’t be killing him off, unless everyone wants me to.

 

That’s a wrap, join me next time as run into some old friends

Covering another 2 story missions

 

We are a band of bloody thirsty fighters, we’ll be happy to entertain some noble brat that as good anarchists do, dream about his death

 

The better part of month to find perfume for a date that’s tonight; There’s something about time travel involved here but I dare not go into for fear of my brain exploding.

 

We’re getting paid to shove some clothes at some random street urchin? Done

 

After so many missions of killing Borzoi Capos we have finally stumbled upon the head honcho, so let’s go catch him

 

And now I’m going to back to Sage for the time

 

Same thing here

 

Happy to oblige

 

 

 

And of course he has a medal, will someone please stand up that doesn’t have a medal

 

Crushing people's hopes and dreams warms that black void where my heart should be

 

 

Yes I do. I can’t help but I feel like I missed a screenshot

 

Crystal, the plot advancement alarm should be blaring right now, and yes the writes would throw at all pretense of good pacing.

 

No it’s one of the crystals that allows the Viera to reproduce despite being an all female race

 

We’ve been discovered, kill him!

 

It’s Captain Ass Kiss, and since he works for the monarchy he must die

 

And the palace pulled its team out because…? How does that even make sense in why make something harder than necessary 

 

A trap? Someone is competent enough to actually set a trap that worked? I’m shocked, truly shocked. give me a moment here.

 

Okay I’m back

 

 

How is that relevant? So if you knew that he wanted this world to exist than you would’ve done nothing?  That’s also a horrible way to deny a crime

 

I just want him to suffer as his memory goes all screwy on him and erase all of these people form existence

 

I approve of smashing in Captain Ass Kiss’s face, mainly because he is far too competent and I need to compensate. But don’t worry ti’s not because I have found a new attraction for Roland as a character, but it’s due to the fact that he is a threat to the revolution.

 

It’s not the fact that Babus has a medal, it’s the fact that he is only one to have a medal out of the whole palace task force

 

be sure to have a thief with steal armor, Babus is wearing the armor that teaches Reflex, and you are going to want it as you shouldn’t have it for a while; and unlike the other items that you can get out of order, this one doesn’t rely upon an ungodly amount of grinding.

 

 

And everyone here are a bunch of phonies that I can kill off with no qualms

 

It’s only like a game in that some of the gameplay elements are ham-fisted into the plot and some of skills are form their version of Final Fantasy,

 

I agree, I honestly like Babus

 

I think that the Moon is really a weapon of mass destruction left behind by aliens to kill us if we ever become too advanced; so I understand where Roland is coming from in thinking that he’s the only sane person left

 

This world is real, the only thing is that some people have been replaced by the book for Mewt

 

Let’s get Algus from the first FFT, no really you’ll get along great, and I can overcome my aversion of hurting a character I like by carpet bombing a character that I hate

 

The law was not my friend here to say the least

 

You ambushed me? Come one, you have got to be kidding me! I thought you were cool

 

Despite the fact that he is earning his name of Ass Kiss, I think we should all realize that this is going to be one of motivations that actually learn about.

 

Oh great, now we have a stalker to deal with as well. Doesn’t anything go right in this place?

 

that went well

 

Why? that’s all I want at this point, is a fucking motivation for this, is that so much to ask for? 

 

Why don’t you  know it? wouldn’t that be something passed down through the ages?

 

Out of all the stupid ideas that I accuse this game of having, reserve missions rank up there.. There are series of missions that require you to know at least three people who have this game and got a different set of missions than you to clear these missions.  and you get Gil and AP for them, which si useful if you’re trying learn double sword or some other skill that requires an ungodly amount of AP, but otherwise it’s a waste of programming space

 

so we’re being hired by toy nerds to bring a catalog to them so they can verify a toy. And we somehow get explosives out of this. I’m really wondering how anything surprises me in this game anymore. It almost is enough to convince me that they intended this to be nonsensical in order to support the plot; I honestly do not believe that the writers could have done that though.

 

I’m going with Cult or terrorist organization, a bad one at that, since they’re broadcasting to the general public and not really hiding that fact. but since everyone is incompetent, i guess you just have to lower the bar.

 

Or they could be evil capitalists, that works too

 

   

What? that doesn’t make any sense, why would need to clean away lava for new lava? Last I checked science doesn’t work like that.

 

Keep in mind that I did this right after the Borzoi falls mission and it only shows up once you have done that mission. No, you don’t win any special points for thinking that it is the Borzoi leader trying to get away, and of course my clan members don’t even notice that part or that the client is the guy we just beat up.

 

Wouldn’t killing pirates be a part of your M.O.? I hate having to do your work for you, you jerks probably take all the credit in front of your bosses too.

 

Than we have crap that some collectors might want? I do not see anything special about this

 

 

Sure, why not

Easy battle and you have to break the statues at the corner of map to end it, this opens up 

 

a switch that you broke, academia just loves you

 

Crazy mother in law who hates her new daughter in law, it’s not like this never happens, but there usually aren’t gangs involed

 

Notice the level, that’s about 10 to 9 higher than my level, this is the point were I really broke the game, as I just farmed this for all that it was worth by gaining about three levels.

 

Again, you can’t kill us, really. And all the times I imply otherwise is meant to be a punch line, not a part of the plot or setting.

 

it’s the other way around, even Roland can follow

 

All Good things must come to an end, and I can only level grind so much

 

 

It seems that bombs are a recurrent problem for everyone involved here. Shouldn’t they be used to this by now and have a plan set up to kill them off?

 

Good question, they really should wipe out most of the monsters, since they are deadly and have no benefit, while they probably wouldn’’t even be thinking about the environmental effects involved. 

 

sure

 

this at least makes some sense, stage magic should be no problem.

 

 

yet the battle is in Cadoan to begin with, and since when do the guards actually do anything? I think they caught on onto the idea they can just claim credit for what I did.

 

And this is called running a con when you are surrounded by ugly people and are trying to get paid for modeling. Just look at all the good morals that this game seeks to impart.

 

This game keeps trying to show that the justice system is completely fucked up beyond anything that is actually salvageable, but every time that I think that hits rock bottom, they pull out a shovel.

 

 

The Redwings are a bunch of foreigners who were using the Borzoi to take over Ivalice, don’t you just love xenophobia? And it naturally falls to us to get them out of land and from taking our jobs; we’re going to be ones who take over Ivalcie, not them.

 

Damn it Roland, why did you have to go and eavesdrop on the writers, you’ll ruin what little suspense there is

 

You read that right: Falgabird, say that with a straight face. these guys take the place of the Borzoi capos and lead off into another sub plot of sorts that I only vaguely remember at this point

 

I was hoping for one of those wormholes that allow me to escape from Ivalice, only an Ivalice that makes sense while keeping the charm of the escapist fantasy.

 

so the toll of teaching that xenophobia is good even has a medal, i honestly just give up on this part or i should because I’m still going to complain about  anway

 

Don;t worry she’s not

 

Because it’s just so much fun to say

 

At least this makes a surface level of sense in that only alchemists can be sent on this, but seeing as the alchemist that I’m sending is only an alchemist for this job, that loic sort of falls apart.

 

and what could we possible due about it? I wouldn’t know the first thing about noisy ghosts and how to make them shut up

 

Back to fighter with new skills to learn

 

Roland is too stupid to be scared

 

Let’s follow it!

 

Seriously again? We just broke a crystal 3 missions ago? Would it have killed you to space these missions out with missions that actually advance the plot, instead of a pointless battle that Roland thinks may be related to the crystals. Also notice that there were no crazed monsters, you know what caused montblanc to bring up the crystal theory in the first place? I love continuity

 

 

Roland hasn’t caught onto the workings of the universe yet, as soon as you’re thrown into a seam than the only thing that matters is killing the totema

 

Okay, I ‘m not even going to bother about worrying why that happened or what hte point of it was, or how that even makes sense

 

At least this time they bothered to make a sprite for time

 

And by the power of following idiotic design choices that makes this game easier than before, I shall smite ye

 

Just rush this guy, the dragons have too much health to actually be worth killing

 

What could possible be stronger than magic? It’s magic that can defy the natural laws of the universe, and somehow that’s not enough for you, but have to think that there is something even more powerful at work? Why? At least I can consoled by the fact that I am not going to have to deal with this ever again, as it will never be brought up again

 

Captain Ass Kiss

 

His nose doubles as a crystal detector apparently

 

 

And again, we get to mess around Mewt’s mind, this can be healthy for him, also how the hell can we hear him outside of a seam? 

 

They actually explain it, give me a moment here…

 

Yes, now go Ass Kiss and earn your moniker

 

Best Exchange Ever. Roland can finally say why he wants to destroy this world, and he has no answer at all. he has nothing better in the other world, while he’s happy here, and he has no answer. this is why I hate this plot, it could be at least understandable if Roland had a motive, but he doesn’t.

 

here let me finish that for your, am an enormous asshole

 

That’s a warp

This week is a treat, since the game didn’t want to give me anything to work with, I’m covering three story missions

Anything that will expand our power, I’ll send the redundant human to do it.

 

What makes a bunch of gangsters qualified to tutor? Granted, the fact that they’re a bunch of anarchist must indicate some education, but that’s going to solely limited to anarchist theory, the well to do anarchists are too busy trying to get promotions in the civil service to destroy the kingdom from within

 

 

How can a ghost be hungry? I’m betting that’s Scooby Doo’s Ivalican equivalent. 

I’m going to take the time to talk about ‘semi secret characters’ Certain missions items can be used on missions where they aren’t meant to be used in order to get characters who already know rare skills. Elda’s cup is one of them, with the characters worth the effort to go on gfaqs and finding a list.

 

Okay, I’m nost sure how this is a mission? Do you want some of the materite? This doesn’t make sense on a pretty simple level, what is the actual job?

 

O I’m going to tell random people abut it too so that they can take the metal, this also doesn’t make sense

 

 

If you choose gossip with Ezel you get the following and a mission

this screams trap, Ezel is supposed to a genius yet he blatantly sets up a meeting with rebels at a pub, a mission that anyone can see. The judges can’t be stupid can they, ro does the Queen just have 0% Approval rating?

 

or do we have to crush this resistance movement? I’m confused, all I want is to overthrow the government but no one seems like they can actually do that competetnly either.

 

why would you need a phoenix down? We never need a phoenix down when someone gets knocked out and we’re outside of battle. and no, this isn’t a case of didn’t they use a phoenix down on Aerith, this is just nonsensical. Anyway, I didn’t feel like fighting so I just made the trade, anyway to advance the revolution.

 

No you’ll be dead, If it’s raining diamonds than those are going to hurt, a lot. If anyone was smart than you would just wait until it wasn’t raining but these diamonds might be crystals, or related to them, cause that whole drives monsters crazy thing is just a one time thing that the writers were too lazy to rehash and try to keep the story consistent.

 

So it’s not raining diamonds, leave and go do something else, but we’re stopped by monsters so we kill them all

 

Okay this is relevant, how?

 

Of course, if Roland doesn’t have ADD, than the player must for them tor bring this up every time they possibly can to remind us

 

This is stupid, the only point this mission serves to pad the plot out so the pacing isn’t as bad as it could be, end first story mission

 

and what makes you thnk that gangsters can possibly handle it, if you can’t?  Which if fitting since I failed this mission first  time around and had to do it again

 

this honestly makes perfect sense, since this is the sort of stuff that we should be doing

 

sure, I guess, I’ll just go get the Kwisatz Harderach and you can warp the ecology all you want

 

As someone who likes spicy food, I don’t want to eating crap that came from a volcano

 

 

WTF? it never said anything about bomb claws, that’s just disgusting, and I doubt that would taste good

 

Sure, I just want to get paid

 

I’m changing to thief cause I have nothing better to do, really. Humans are so land, I really can’t work with a second one since I like variety in my units

 

Going to white mage as there a new skills to be learned

 

 

No one I know is worthy enough, Roland likes to think that he is though. This is another sub quest of sorts, missions that paraphrase the Hero Gaol, pop up and you go to the location in order to beat up random people for no good reason.

 

Add this to the list of crimes then, grave robbers.

 

i wonder what nice loot can be found here

 

That would be your ego

 

Grave guardians get medals too, this sort of makes sense, I guess grave robbing is a common way fro clans to get some funds?

 

I’m sorry, where does your motionless body have any say in this?

 

No, again that’s your delusional ego

 

What sort of research would this involve? What’s the threshold of pain with lava? I volunteer Roland then

 

You don’t need to do anything, just stay there until you die

 

one can hope right?

 

You know what this means right?

 

So does Roland

 

 

They’re killer butterflies, fight or die

 

The difference really aren’t enough to say that, the only thing different is the layout, otherwise they’re the same

 

As in its destruction won’t destroy the fabric of reality? i can hope

 

Well that’s not wrong, in and of itself, and I don’t feel like typing out the rant, because you all know what is going to be about

 

 

That’s different, to say the least

 

there’s any easy to do this fight, and there’s a hard way. Easy way, have charm be one of laws so they can’t do anything but a physical attack. Hard way, don’t have cahrm and look at your units hit each other.

 

It could any of the races except for bangaa really, but since we have no time to waste, yes it is the nu mou totema. It sucks because it damages MP only.

 

I could ask you the same question, voice in my head

 

Or cold be furry fan Mewt

 

You can see his body, who else could it be? Ritz?

 

As we’ve established Mewt doesn’t remember stuff from the other world, unlike Roland and Ritz. When you get down to it, this can be pretty disturbing, as he getting peicemal memories of how his life sucks

 

 

I’ts not your world, you just had the book so it accommodated certain things for you. Ivalice is real, but Mewt got to take over the prince 

 

No the fact that’s he’s a prince is his desire, and there is some stuff about the classes, but it’s more hamfisted into the story, that doesn’t make any sense

 

I’ve already covered most of this, but I do the feel the need to point out that a) Roland also gets his dream fulfilled here as he doesn't suck and has friends and b) no one wants Roland because he’s a dick in general, not because you want to destroy the world.

 

How odes this allow us to claim it for our own?

 

So now we have to go and rescue Ritz, if we're lucky this will patch up our problems so she'll help us destroy the world

Roland is changing to thief since there are solo missions where he can grab some nice loot

 

I'm not sure what this mission was meant to do aside from remind us that Ritz is still alive, but if you want to remind the players about the other characters why don't have Doned show up? You know the sick little brother?

You're not friends, she was over your house once and the only reason why she talked to you was because you were both being harassed by the douchebags

 

A nice rooster would sure change up our normal diet of rations, and we're getting paid a nice sum of money to do so as well

 

Dave is becoming a Beastmaster so I can unlock all of the advanced jobs. Since certain jobs require certain classes, I'm gong to need to unlock all of them. I also need another Moogle since you can't use Montblacn on dispatch missions, probably worried that Roland will try to stage a coup if he's gone

 

I'm going to Sniper because the abilities are nice, and I don't have anymore Assasisn skills to learn right now. It's been a while since the stores got anything new, and the mission rewards haven't exactly been friendly in this regard.

 

There's nothing quite like being called into bash in protesters' heads, although Clan Kickass again shows that it is a tool of the establishment given the slightest incentive, they are indeed traitors to the anarchist cause

 

Another Gaol mission, let's see what random strangers are at this place so Roland can satisfy his ego

 

New White Monk ability

 

Animal abuse is often considered a sign of mental instability, which would explain a great deal of things when you think about it

 

No, you are never going to be a hero, so please kill yourself, pretty please?

 

Why do we keep beating up strangers? And who is giving us the rewards? why do you have to list that I’m not getting Gil?

 

But instead you settle for beating up strangers? That's not heroic or useful or relevant

Mission that I forgot to get a sceencap of involves beating more of the Borzoi

I was lucky enough to get a mithril soul, which allows me to learn the morpher combo, I also have nothing else to do with Dave so why not? It's not like I'm ever going to use his worthless totema

 

There was a mission posting in the pub? How did you guys not see it?

 

And of course she has a medal, this shouldn’t come as a surprise

You really want a thief with steal accessory for this battle as one of the mages has an angel ring, which allows you to have auto-raise, I think. Point is, unit dies, gets resurrected with half health.

 

They didn't stand a chance

 

By now, you should all now what I'm going to say but I'm gong to say anyway: Does anyone actually do their job in Ivalice? The sheer incompetence is almost enough to make you think that this really is a dream world and that Mewt is a fucking moron. Or it could be a systemic problem induced by the fact that you have a bunch of strong gangs running around and more inclined for them to do it so they don't get bored and poor and go after you for the lulz. You decide

 

I resent being conscripted into Captain Planet, I want to be a cool superhero

 

 

Someone is going to notice if we disappear after taking a mission to stop you morons. We cannot be killed,(really, the laws prevent that from actually happening)

 

And here we have exhibit A as to why they should stay away from things that fight back: they suck.

Only thing that you should keep in mind about this battle is that the thieves can be annoying, so kill them quickly, or rather more quickly than the others

 

A judge is in charging of them, one of the guys who was just watching us fight? WTF!? That makes no sense, even for this game, why the fuck didn't he just capture them as soon as he showed up and saw that the they were criminals? No wonder your clan is a bunch of anarchists trying to overthrow the monarchy and is being lured into destroying the world, the government sucks

 

Do your own job asshole

 

I swear to God, this had better not be something about the fucking crystals…

 

 

 

 

I really hate this plot, I really fucking do

That's a wrap, so what did we just cover? Three story missions where the only thing that was actually important about them was breaking some crystals that was apparently a totema. They were too lazy to actually give it a sprite or dialogue, go figure. And there was some pointless missions that contradict the original stuff about the crystals as they can apparently do anything that they think is out of place. Join me next time, as I show how much this game as corroded my sanity yet again.

Shorter than last time, warning, the hyperlinks lead to TV Tropes, it will suck hours out of your life, the question of course being, why the links?

We can’t destroy the world if we aren’t the best clan so back to work

the best way to stop a witch is by burning them, and we like fire and death. The only problem is finding a duck

 

Moving onto Sage now, it’s a nice balance the White Mage and has some decent skills

 

And won’t someone think about the children, right. Well it sounds like good PR and it involves money, and money is what makes the world go around; until we have so much that no longer has any value, but still.

 

No self respecting clan would do something that is this stupid, i think the parents would be more worried about mercenaries showing up to the help their daughter. Something also tells me that our reward is her parents stuff. Fortunately for the girl, Clan Kickass has no self respect and no qualms with shady deals.

 

Upon entering Cadoan for the first time, we are greeted to this conversation

 

Who cares, it’s not that hard to follow them, unless you’re a rabid fanboy of the original FFT, moreso than I am, and hating everything that isn’t  FFT.

 

that’s impossible, when we start the game the laws are pathetic, and if they are always increasing than they would have to be a new concept. only the rumors state they’ve been around forever. Yeah plothole

 

or she realizes how stupid you all are and is trying some unorthodox means to make you smarter

 

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

 

Unique portrait, he’s important

 

That’s our goal too, a fellow anarcho syndicalist comrade!

 

Magic

 

Roland feigns ignorance all too well, he’s probably a reactionary in disguise. That’s what happens when you let him color during party meetings

 

This guy is also acting like a reactionary to maintain his cover.

 

You mean the one that must be true because you’re talking about it? No

 

Believe It! Or as the subbers would insist on, dattebayo!

 

This is exactly what we need in order to win the war against the monarchists! 

 

that’s what hte rumor is, and rumors are always right

 

Way ahead of you, Roland problem is really an inability to remember anything

 

 

this shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, it’s because he is Exel

 

Roland is of course, not Genre Savy( Warning, you will spend hours at this site)

 

We have to worry about frogs? this guy probably has a frog fetish but, like everyone else, is too lazy to do something about it hmself.

 

Who cares, you guys need the exercise, so go kill them

 

The only thing notable is that frog can be a bitch, be sure that you have a way to cure it.

 

the next time you enter Cadoan, you get thrust into a battle

Unique sprite, now he’ll do something important

 

It’s the damned monarchists trying to stop our glorious revolution! Roland must slay them to protect this central figure to the revolution

 

Witty

 

but you’ve overestimated your competence and importance, unique>generic

 

You gotta appreciate the laid back guys

 

he’s right, this game is rather dull

 

Over my dead body, Viva la Revolution

 

don’t worry the worst thing that will happen is torture as they lobotomize your brain. the monarchy is nota nice bunch of people, as Mewt gets what he wants and he has issues to sort out

 

ya think?

out of the bag, sorry bout that. Anyway, Ezel is a racist jerk, moogles are not cats, and bangass are definetly not lizards

 

That’s an interesting euphemism for breaking the law

 

Or he could be telling the truth, I just like killing people

 

Give me 12 hours and I’ll have that much, gil is worthless

 

Notice the judge is just sitting there while he has their greatest enemy in sight

 

I’m not kidding, he’s right

Roland doesn’t believe him since he’s from a world where money has value

Let’s just leave at the simple fact that I’m still overleveled, so any commentary I would provide would be useless

 

No he got he lost conscious after being beaten so hard, you suck as bodyguards

 

give us the laws cards or you die, we’re mercenaries, not chivalrous knights

 

Not that’s really necessary but whatever

 

Roland is actually catching on, while it’s nothing major, its a start. Or you could argue this is another example of Roland having no social skills whatsoever.

 

Have you met Lesley? She’s that Viera all dressed in black and has that very long bow, it wouldn’t be hard for her to hit you with it, so abut these laws cards, eh?

 

the Moogle Mafia would want him, he’s a racist that can help them in their gang war against the Bangaa Combine

 

And people think I’m a drugged up conspiracy theorist, this small step will prove them wrong. For I am Roland, master detective

 

I fell your pain, no one believes me that goblins will inherit the earth after a massive gang war kills everyone off

 

Roland has to bar the burden of being thought of as too dumb to live, he’s jealous

 

the gears should be turning in Roland’s head right now, Cid is not a loser and he saw Mewt after killing Famfrit, compare this to Ritz, who was dropped into Ivalice like Roland. Instead nothing is  made of this, until everything is spelled out later in the game

 

No the bit about torture applies, or Cid could be professional enough to want to know how they work. I’m betting on the former though.

 

Ezel isn’t stupid though, this is a refreshing change of pace

 

How convenient, so convenient that it’s never brought up again

 

Shouldn’t it be singular? If an advance law forbids any ability, what else could they do? While there are laws that forbid other actions, what makes them advanced?

 

I can’t help but imagine a Bonds villain reading these lines, which is a big improvement over other world Cid

 

So antilaws also allow teleportation? that’s convenient

 

He can stop an unstoppable object, bitch

 

And thus ends the palace’s efforts to stop a potentially serious threat to their power by doing absolutely nothing about the law cards, to the point that they  are given out as rewards by average joes.  Can anyone in Ivalice do their job both competently and persistently?  If Cid finds his head on a guillotine, he deserves it for incompetence.

 

No that was a God Card, specifically Deus Ex Machina 

 

 

okay, the God Card is a special kind of antilaw

 

Were the developers really so lazy that they couldn’t be bothered to add some sort of animation for the last part?  Or I am insane for asking common sense in this game? Or better yet, why didn’t Cid use another law card, specifically the type that prevent teleportation?

 

My BS-o-meter is rising!

 

 

Does my Assassin know Ego Slayer? No, pity, naturally I blame the writers, just like I blame everything else on this game on

 

This is called projection

 

Fun fact: Ezel is the only republican( intentional small r) in the game, everyone else, even the ones who come from a democracy in the other world, are perfectly fine with the monarchy

 

Despite the fact that Ezel is a racist egotistical jerk, I do like some of his lines, this one included

 

Cue new gameplay feature

 

but I’m going to tell you about it in the tavern, in front of the ninja barkeep. good thing the palace has given up trying to find you Ezel

granted there is the small issue that i might not have the card, even though I make the damned things and owe you my life.

 

Roland’s manners are improving, this world does have positive effects

Now about Ezel’s shop, when you visit you can trade laws cards with him. Each card has a value and you have to match it in order to get. simple really

 

That’s a wrap for the week, next week: little to no plot advancement and the same bad jokes

Longest update yet

 

Another weird job, we’re professional stalkers now, and they said that this wasn’t a job, but a felony. We’ll prove them wrong!

 

 

To be fair, this job isn’t retarded; we haven’t encountered any sort of magic university and not knowing how to control your powers would occur. Only I could send someone who has no experience to do magic. I’ll chalk that up to the limits of the GBA

 

We’re done with Elementalist so now we can move onto Sniper in our pursuit to get Assassin. Snipers are a cross between Assassin and Archers, their skills are better than Archers but worse than Assassins. They’re not bad, it’s just that Assassins are better.

 

This is just stupid. Fortune telling is  a scam, so I’ll be happy to take your money.

 

   

and we get a glimpse into how this clan/gang business works, sort of. Anyone who upsets the status quo is pounced upon by the system. this system exists in order to channel forces that would be dangerous to the existence of crown by providing a way for warriors to want the system to stay in place. I’m not looking to deep into this at all, why do you ask?

 

Those bastards think i need a break. I’m overleveld and you’re not a random battle. I want to smash some heads in.

the game has ceased to give me challenge at this point and there was nothing noteworthy about so moving on.

 

No, and we can’t die from this anyway genius. Is anyone in Ivalice actually competent?

 

It’s time for us to pound your skulls in after all.

 

…And this criminal has a medal. Roland should go and burn down an orphanage or two, preferably with him in them; so the rest of the clan can get these medals. His death will not be in vain.

 

 

Our overpowering force allowed us to smite them from the Earth. this is the equivalent of taking candy from angry five year olds who fight back. which means this is also something new that Roland can do in this world. the last time he tried to get some candy it ended with him in tears and bruises and the five year old gasping for breath from laughing so hard.

 

After learning that one skill, We’re finally at a Assassin, I’m so happy, yet this game just got even easier, as they are seriously broken.

 

Why do I have to dig through a rock to get a book that you already have?

 

Or else you’ll try to fight against a superior force that will make you cry? 

 

i have no intention of being called the pansies formerly known as Kickass, so no.And if you’re wondering, Clan titles are a pointless cosmetic feature that you could go the whole game without seeing.

 

this battle is notable is for the sole fact that it’s a mission where the enemies scale with you, otherwise they’re pathetic.

 

there’s only so many ways I can say that I’m overlevled and going to kill you all.

 

 

cause on the the off chance that we do, i can mess with the game’s reality and restart it.

 

he’s not even a criminal but he has one. If everyone has these medals than they can’t be worth much, so why doesn’t Roland/

 

You suck, go be a better class than solider for starters.

 

Roland also wonders what magical thunder tastes like, so…

 

Our desire for loot overrides our hatred for the clan system that we seek to destroy, so we go off to indoctrinate a new generation.

 

 

on the other hand, we have another non-retarded job to do, that’s all to say on this one.

 

Or just kill the monsters and take our time looking for the ring. But that would be logical, so no way Roland is going with that option.

 

Only special thing abut this battle is that it’s most likely going to be the first time that you encounter Lamias.

 

Conveniently right next to you, now let’s go

 

Told you

 

the revolution marches onward, soon all of Ivalice will be under my command, and the Queen will have no choice but give us unlimited chocolate and other important government like stuff.

 

Twisting and bending, that sounds like the rumor Montblanc told us about, this must be related in accordance with the shoddy writing and rpg clichés in general.

 

 

Montblanc is going back to gunner now that he knows the mid level spells.

 

I would feel better if someone who wasn’t Roland was saying this, where’s Montblanc?

Look harder, maybe by diving to the bottom and staying there for a long time.

 

I too often speak punctuation marks in conversation, the disturbing part being that I have something similar to Roland.

That’s your brain having a thought, don’t worry it doesn’t happen often for you and it will soon be over.

 

 

Again, not my game, but reality being overwritten. Maybe this new world will give Roland a daddy who doesn’t run out on them.

 

 

Or it could be the overdue demons who are finally showing up after you all summoned them with that book. 

 

 

Bye Roland, I wish I could say that i’m going to miss you, but that would be lie. Now if i could have the POV change to Montblanc and the rest of Clan Kickass so I can take over Ivalice.

 

The rapture? I don’t know

 

Now you’re in hell, have fun. 

 

ADD much?

 

 

It’s some sort of shiny rock that’s floating, so sure why not/

 

RPG clichés mandate that it must be it, the writers were too lazy to flesh this out anyway so we have to run with it.

 

Now you’re stuck there, yeah.

 

So I can destroy it in hopes of returning to my life as a loser!

 

Roland actually does something smart

 

Theo voices are in my head, make them stop, please, I like the silence of stupidity!

 

Roland doesn’t realize that he has a problem, it’s going to be easier than I thought to get him cured.

 

I told you that book summoned demons, but no. You didn’t want to listen me and said I was crazy.

 

So I was wrong, Roland wasn’t asked that by the voices in his head, they are there though.

 

don’t understand, this question makes my head hurt

 

 

That is a good question to be fair

 

The  word totema is the result of the writers being drunk and falling on the keyboard 

 

Roland doesn’t realize that he’s trapped in a game, despite being told so multiple times, and doesn’t know the RPG cliché list either. This guy is naturally an impediment to getting back to the other world and his death will make us one step closer.

 

Or he just wants to kill you for the lulz, humans are so squishy

 

Roland is actually a member of an anarcho syndicalist group and naturally abhors the concept of private property, he can’t be an intruder on public property.

 

He just wants to break it in the hope that it will do what he wants it to do

 

 

Well it’s better to be safe than sorry so he’s going to kill you by summoning some ahrimans to help

 

 

that’s convenient, a judge shows up to oversee the possible destruction of the fabric of the world and sits back and watches.

 

Overleveled joke here people, I pretty much beat that horse dead

 

if i wasn’t overleveled than this would have been challenging since Famfrit hurts as he’s several levels higher than you should be and he has counter. on a weird ntoe your entire party somehow transported here as well; maybe Roland keeps them in magical spheres but Montblanc is special and spends all of his time outside.

 

This is supposed to refer to moogles. but there is nothing that would really indicate that. it wouldn’t have killed the writers to put some details into this. Unless they're trying to minimize the extent that everyone would want to stay here by making it less real.

 

And with his death, so closes the wrinkle in time that was his home. Now will Roland please be caught in between and die already?

 

And now we’re greeted to look likes a wolf boy, please don’t be furry fanservice…

 

Or it could be Mewt, hard to tell since he looks like a female fox hybrid.

 

 

The other world, the one that sucks and you want to get back to for some retarded reason. or it could be Hell, that would actually fun

 

 

You Are In A Real World, just not the one you were born in! What part of this does your retarded mind not get?  Stop trying to kill everyone in this world.

And now let’s focus on something else that doesn’t make sense: no one else in your clan should be going along this plan as they aren’t from the other world and will die if they are successful. That’s why i think the clan is a an anarchist group bent on destroying the royal family.

 

And scene change to the Mewt and Cid who got a pretty good in reality being rewritten

 

 

Don’t hit him, please. he’ll clean up his room

 

something about you wanting muscamaloi, but I couldn’t make it through his ravings about the hunting dogs coming to get him

 

I don’t have anymore muscamaloi and the servants have disappeared so I can’t beat them

 

This is interesting, Ritz and Roland remember the other world but Mewt doesn’t, and he wasn’t dropped into Ivalice. Having the book in the first place and reading it must have had some advantages.

 

This explains why the justice system is so fucked up, he’s the one handing out the medals and having gangs run around to feed his drug addiction. Which actually makes sense on some level that has not present in the game.

 

 

And his mom is alive in this world, he got everything except a makeover that isn’t retarded

 

 

Now if you’ll excuse I hear the hounds and I don’t to die yet

 

Remedi, Remedy, that’s witty, especially for these idiot writers

 

Why? seriously what point would that have? This system makes no sense! Mewt must be trying to help some friends in the game so he get the quality weed. Or he’s just a dick, take your pick

 

The people’s heads might explode from the nonsense that this entire system engenders

 

Somehow the mystery lady knows about this, it can’t be that she’s related to this world in some fundamental way, oh wait crappy writers, nvermind

 

I don’t, there is no correlation between the two subjects, I like exposition, it’s one of those things that allow a story to function.

 

Why not? Are you about to reveal everything? Normally I’d call it lazy but it would very welcome in this game

 

I wish I was watching Princess Bride rather than playing this

 

And scene end

 

Unfortunately

 

Now our idiot protagonist has goal, destroy the crystals and this world for no good reason

 

Fortunately, repent you fool, this is the path of evil!

 

Again, why the hell would you want to?

 

I don’t think chance is the right word here, chance implies a one time occurrence, where as the crystals are stated to periodically cause disturbances. opportunity would have been better. 

 

Not really 

 

I’ll take a moment now to explain the two new gameplay features this has caused. Totemas are summons that are limited to race and when a unit of that race has 10 JP then you unleash a classic FF summon attack, only some of them do MP damage so they suck.

Mewt’s tantrum has also made it so that you have two laws in battle instead of one and the list is longer

 

That’s a wrap, join me net time as we see the storyline try to put another gameplay mechanic into the nix.

Short update this time

From the stupid requests that we’ve been taking care of lately, something this off beat hits me hard from left filed. Sure thing pal. your money is good, right?

 

And at the same time we take this job, there is nothing warped, mean or sarcastic that I can say about this job; Someone’s mom died and they want flowers to remember her by. Sure, this mission is sadly unique in that it isn’t stupid or random.

 

yes, we’re going back to Black mage so Montblanc can learn the second tier of magic, and maybe move onto to Time Mage if I want.

 

I’m happy to know that digging a cave isn't beyond clan Kickass’ range of expertise.

 

Now we’re going over to beastmaster so we can move onto some advanced jobs soon. The class is rather self explanatory, you learn skills that let you control certain classes of monsters for a time.

 

Nowhere, you’re being step up. i had to make that crack for my sanity; this game isn’t allowed to turn things on its head.

 

this is why it’s important to check the laws, yellow cards just strip you of your JP and make lose something else randomly, but than you have to go and get the cards removed which means you have to make them sit in prison for a certain number of battles.

 

otherwise this battle is just another

 

Now off to Cyril for a reward and Sporhm to clear our names.

 

Montblanc getting slapped down by the Man

 

Kickass!

 

 

Goodbye Montblanc, i can’t say we’re going to miss you, because that would be lying. 

 

Now we must go kill things in the name of science, and civilization to spread the legalized gangs of clans to these secluded people.

 

I think we got this job from someone who can’t tell a moogle from an antlion. 

this battle was not fun since I had offended the RNG somehow so I kept missing. otherwise these guys can still be a pain in the assas they hit hard and can blind you.

 

You just killed all of the moogles in a drug induced hallucination. Good job, ‘hero’!

 

Now that Lex has learned every white Monk skill I can get, off to Templar, they’re the natural progression of White Monk so they’re relatively fast with lots of nice skills.

 

Now we’re back to full strength so this game just got easier after that brief spike of challenge.

 

Onto our drive for assassin, we go to Elementalist, they have magic spells that do a certain type of damage(fire, water etc,) and a status ailment. They’re okay, Assassins are better, so don’t spend any more time than you have to.

 

 

And we get a job to help a lazy dumbass do his homework on time, why don’t you hire a clan to do something more permanent, like burn down the school?

 

i can appreciate a straight task like this, it’s like that flower job, only not as sad. 

 

Another bounty, want to bet that he’ll have a medal as well?

 

Yep

I think this is the first battle where it would fair to say that I’m over leveled, this is mainly due to the fact that I don’t run from random battles as I want the AP. As a result, this battle was a joke.

 

This would make more sense if I had taken the screencaps of the previous mission, it’s a conspiracy nut who thinks that he is being spied on, only it turns out that he is right.

 

and this creepy voyeur has a medal too, why can’t I have one too? Do I need to be felon or something? cause that can be arranged.

 

Cause we’re just plain faster than you, as we continue to break the game balance.

Another easy fight.

 

Creep

 

He’s a criminal, not your friendly gov’t Big Brother, Roland has just gotten a shovel to break rock bottom and go where no man has gone before in search of new stupid concepts.

 

Do it yourselves, lazy bums; what’s the use of  a militia if you can’t fight stuff?

 

Well you do have that sort of effect on them.

 

This confirmed that I was over leveled and not just doing missions that were meant to be done earlier, I was several levels higher and breezed though here. Watch for the yellow flan though, the thundara can hurt.

 

Your stupidity

 

The Freemasons trying to resurrect the Knights Templar in order to reclaim Jerusalem for aliens, or something along those lines, you decide!

 

their getting high off crystal meth, that’s interesting, and a waste of meth, mainly the latter.

 

Roland skipped DARE, so his slowness can be excused

 

 

Or that could work, given the pacing of this game so far, that probably will work out to be right. 

 

but the only rumor we’ve heard so far, it must be right.

 

WTF? where did you get wrinkles in space from?  this doesn’t make any sense, and I’m not skipping dialogue for a joke here.

 

Genius boy here is completely lost

 

And we’re done, see you all next time, when we take on the first boss of the game.

 

Long update this time

We begin this chapter having a nice talk with omniscient barkeep who is able to occupy five places at once. Unfortunately, we don’t learn that sort of magic.

 

he who controls the muscmaloi* controls the universe

*( this is how you spell it, no more different names from now on, really.)

 

I’m not even sure what the point of this conversation is really, warning idiots that random battles won’t move the story along, and missions are still important?

Roland is polite about it though, since he’s a human and not a lizard or a bunny lady.

 

if you want to see it than why are we going? find it yourself and leave the medal and cash.

That medal allows us to do this:

I wish i could hire mercenaries to help me with my homework, don’t you? i also love how it takes 5 days to drop off a medal and your clan members have the potential to fail; do they lack sense of direction as well as a brain? Do they stay with Clan Kickass cause they would get lost otherwise? Probably.

 

“I like chickens Eddy!”  I wonder how this is related to getting jawbreakers… oh wait wrong series. In line with the unofficial mission statement regarding this playthrough in pointing everything that just doesn’t make sense, why is a little girl offering this job? Shouldn’t it be a farmer or at least some sort of adult? Or is every child an orphan in Ivalice?this would probably happen when legalized gangs are the most profitable way to make money.

 

   

In the meantime we send our Viera away, some dispatch missions require certain jobs as well. this one requires a fencer and since I’ll be heading down that path sooner or later I’ll get started on bypassing it now.

 

Or run in the opposite direction really fast, your sprite is pretty common, and they’re pretty slow.

 

Roland also likes chickens Eddy.

 

Notice that medal? I really wasn’t joking when I said that criminals also seem to have these things, great justice system there.

this battle is hard, he’s several levels higher than you are and at this point you aren’t going to have an effective counter against  him. Magic is your friend, as well as Air render if your white Monk has it by this point, anything that actually does damage at a distance. 

This also starts a sub plot of sorts with Clan Borzoi, but it’s a surface layer thing that doesn’t have much depth or meaning; they’re just a recurring villain.

Kickass!

 

 

Normally I’d complain about the guards being too lazy to do it themselves, but in true American spirit I’ll take the invitation to ‘liberate’ you and than make you my own bitch.

 

Meanwhile let us going a crimebusting. I’m surprised at this isn’t more common actually, unless everyone wants to prevent hyperinflation, why wouldn’t they as the magic can’t be that hard.

 

Our mercenary duties don’t stop us from expanding our hold over Ivalice though; let that be a lesson in why this system doesn’t work dear Queen.

 

And we change Roland to a fighter, mainly cause they are better and I’m not going to thief for a while now.

 

than why didn’t you run?

 

Time to die! 

 

I’m not kidding, every criminal.

 

I was overleved for this fight as it’s supposed to be done before thesis hunt, as a result it was rather easy.

 

Yet you claim to see the future, this is getting too complicated for this sort of game, I mull the consequences of prescience while reading Dune, not playing this thank you very much.

 

Class change time

Montblanc is going to Gunner, but we’ll be back to learn the higher level elemental magic

 

Galor is going to Paladin because… i don’t know what else to do with him; two humans is worthless, i could do something different with any other race and have a plan; humans not so much. But I never did the whole monster thing so… yeah

 

News of our benevolent reign travels fast, we must fight these dastardly Borzoi to the death. And I accept, as I keep hoping that Roland will die and be replaced by a likeable main character.

 

 

we’re not cheap Team Dai-Gurren rip offs.

 

Hell, we in no way, shape, or form resemble anyone from TTGL. that would make this game better, let’s ignore the fact that FFTA came out several years earlier than TTGL shall we?

 

these Borzoi have connections, so their leader having a medal shows a different sort of broken law system.

 

This doesn’t help of course, but at least he tried to resist our power.

 

Peace under our most magnificent and in no way diabolical reign.

 

Borzio doesn’t like the fact that their muscmaloi being cut off, so now we must duel, not with a children’s card game though. Weird thing though, they’re willingly to give us stuff if we win, such good sports.

 

Lesley is going to fencer so I can move onto assassin. Assassins are the best class and the developers tried to balance by making you go through garbage classes to get it, a lot of garbage. so you can’t get them until level 10 instead of level 6.

 

So we just beat each other up and go home? Sounds cool.

 

Well being controlled by someone who is a) intelligent and b) capable of restarting will certainly skew the deck.

 

This battle can be a pain, they’re several levels higher and they hurt. but using a white mage and an Animist with sheep count will will make it easier. Even easier is to use Air Render(I love this skill) You’ll want to attack from a distance since the Paladin has counter. Also the black mage has return magic so don’t use magic on him, sheep count is good though.

 

tremble before a competent tactician, Borzoi, as I plunder your homes, slay your menfolk and take your women as slaves.

 

 

I love how I get two atmos blades for this.

 

Oh and hwo is this? Could it be someone from the real world? Cold it really be Ritz?

And she’s also joined a clan? I bet she’s better than Roland.

 

The stupid, it approaches

 

Someone knows this girl, it must be Roland

 

Surprisingly she is happy to see him, and doesn’t respond with a sharp object.

 

Unfortunately

 

Ritz is far more accepting as to what has happened, reality has been overwritten and this world is now the one that exists, none of that real/fake bullshit.

 

That won’t be necessary as my over leveled clan can kill them all

 

 

Better not get in their way

 

Sometime into the battle

Ritz still has that sharp tongue, I bet she was expecting Roland to have died by now, and quite frankly I don’t blame her, I wish he was dead too so I could play a fun character.

 

Clueless as ever

 

And weak, can’t forget about weak

 

Yes I feel like I'm being controlled by this mysterious force that makes me do things that aren’t pathetic. We than go back to killing thugs.

 

this mission is pretty easy as Ritz and Shara will kill most of them for you, which is good since you can only have 4 characters for this fight.

 

it should be the other way

 

Cough-not really-cough

 

After some pleasantries, Roland gets right to the heart of the matter, how do I go back to the arbitrarily determined real world?

 

she clearly hasn’t spent much time with him or else she’d know that he’s a moron

 

A game being real? that’s impossible! if a game is real than you’re just deluding yourself in an escapist fantasy.

 

And reality has been overwritten, so this is real now. or we’re having a collective drug induced hallucination, which is also evil.

 

magic

 

 

Now you may be wondering why I didn’t break that up with my usual half assed snark, well this is as good a point as any to really explain why I hate Roland so much. Roland wants to go home, fine, but why does he want to? What is his motivation? His life, and everyone else’s sucked back there; his parents were divorced, his brother crippled for life and he was an outsider. Now he’s in this new world where he doesn’t suck and he’s having a good time, but the only thing he can think about is going home. This is an example of bad writing. if you’re going to have a moral about escapism then you need the story to show why it’s bad. And writing in general dictates that you have developed characters. And one last note on this, this world is just as real as the other one, cause if you go back than you’re killing everyone in that world.

 

In contrast, Ritz actually has a motivation in that this world is fun and in the other world she had a genetic condition that made her feel apart, partly due to the douchebag brigade.

 

 

You suck at lying

 

Wondering how long until this escapist fantasy ends and I go back to a life that sucks

 

then what’s the problem with this world?

 

then what’s the problem with this world? 

 

yes he should, montblanc gets it

 

but it wouldn’t be real

 

No because in the other world he wasn’t trying to destroy it to impose his views on people.

 

I don’t trust my hallucinations, but my hallucinations also try to steal my soul so…

 

friends don’t try erase other friends from existence.

 

He doesn’t want to get used to your world, he wants to go back to his own and pretend that this was a dream! My God, Montblanc is just as stupid as Roland.

 

I might finally get a kiss

 

yes, ritz has the power to send people home, where does this even make sense?

 

Why? She has no motive to, and you have no motive period.

 

This could be true in any situation for Roland.

 

And I’ll help, kupo

 

If only I could stop you, since I can’t yes.

 

And ignore the dagger protruding from your back.

 

that’s a wrap folks, join me next time as i kill things and make bad jokes.

Due to some computer troubles, I had to start the game over after losing the save, as a result the unit names are going to be different, also explains why this took longer to get up than planned.

 

We begin our work by taking a dispatch mission, these are a special type of mission that involves sending one of your characters to complete a task while you move around, get into battles and kill things. Simple and boring.

I'll take this opportunity to explain mission items. They are the single worst feature of this game. Why, you ask? You get these items for completing missions and they are in turn used to complete other missions, only you have a limit of 20 and if you throw away one that you cannot get again than you cannot finish all of the missions; and there are no indications of which items you will need and have to hold onto and which you can throw away.

 

After walking around, we get a mission complete, now let's go kill stuff.

 

We have to go take children to play in the snow, well one thing is the same between Ivalice and St. Ivalice, the parents suck. Who in their right mind would hire warriors that they don't even bother to take their children to play in the snow? I wonder if we’ll run into any douchebags At least the pay is halfway decent.

 

We arrive at our intended destination and find it to be occupied by monsters. So we have to earn our pay today by doing our favorite thing: killing things.

There's really nothing to say about this battle, except that these guys can really inflict pain. Be careful.

 

So after slaughtering animals we learn that the children have been there the whole time. So they were playing with no one watching them and they could have fallen down a ravine to their deaths or they were watching the battle and are now traumatized by what they have seen. Isn't painting everything in a cynical light fun?

Naturally we get our loot.

 

Next up, we have to rescue a professor who went into the wilderness alone. Apparently stupid is really contagious and Roland is the carrier. I vote for eliminating the source of the disease.

 

We manage to find the professor after running into a hippie commune and a crazy moogle who thinks that the Judges are out to get him and his tinfoil hat.

Reality has a funny sense of humor, remember those douchbags from the beginning of the game?

 

Well now they're zombies, so being nice to them by healing actually hurts them, as well as beating them but healing is far more ironic.

 

Two things to not about this battle: flans have powerful magic, they can kill you rather easily and the zombie douchebags will rise again after 3 turns. How powerful are they though?

 

 

I'll let the picture speak for itself

 

Yes let us leave before the hippies come to roll the zombies into their weed, which in this reality is muscamloi, the drug we picked not long ago.

 

So a wizard has been making it snow for real? All this time I was just being sarcastic.

 

But before we go, Montblanc gets changed into an Animist so we can move onto gunner soon.

 

 

Experiment? What scientific value is there to making ice? Is it magical ice or something that solves balding?

 

We are Clan Kickass and you will be punished for being a criminal like dude.

 

Notice that small medal? That means he doesn't have to follow the laws, they crop up now and again to provide a challenge, yet the curios thing is that most of these guys are going to be criminals, what does that tell you about Ivalice's Justice system?

Noteworthy things about this battle: the mage knows blizzara, and absorbs ice; it is best just to rush his ass you don't have to worry about him. Also break the orbs to win, but be sure to kill everything else for the nice experience.

 

You just said that the experiment is done, why the hell are we even fighting this guy? Aside from the fact that it is enjoyable to beat people into unconsciousness.

 

And followed actual scientific procedure.

 

Now we're getting jobs to do the fire department's job, I am truly amazed at the competence exhibited by just about everyone.

 

To be fair they said nothing about bombs. I'm not sure I have a problem with the town being destroyed since it isn't real, just a satanic escapist fantasy; nothing we do here is either real or of consequence. Hell, from the game's poorly written dialogue that does seem to follow Roland's line of thought. But now I'm getting ahead of myself.

For this battle have the law ban fire, it will make your life easy, but these guys are easy already.

 

Yeah, we kick ass

 

Even the bandits are incompetent, who are you going to sell a thesis to? What value does that have? But the pay's nice and so is fighting bandits so we accept.

 

 

Surprisingly enough, Roland also thinks that the bandits are morons.

Other things that can't be mentioned in the game for being too mature and this SCA because they would scar your mind forever.

I'm not even sure why you would hire thieves to steal a thesis in the first place, but why would you hire truly stupid thieves that don't know how to read? I really do think Ivalice has an epidemic of stupidity going around.

 

So after learning that we have found our bandits are their reason to steal a thesis, what does our hero do? Does he sneak up behind them and ambush them?

 

 

 

No, he shouts from the bottom of a freaking hill announcing his presence and intent.

 

Yes the business of killing and being kickass.

 

 

So if Roland was a normal idiot you'd just let him go? Does this guy want to get caught? He's hoping that he'll get a nice shiny medal that makes him immune to the laws as well?

 

Just like I think I'm getting a hang of your stupidity's depth

 

This means so much to Roland, he might be able to overcome his multitude of insecurities and ask the pretty Viera named Lesley(no really) in the clan.

Clan wars? This is another example of Ivalice's messed up system, clans are legalized sanctioned and encouraged gangs

Wars end, this sure as hell doesn't

 

yeah, are going to go out on those corners and hold them, ya feel me?

Musamaloi is made cheap in the areas we hold yo, and the Vieras, oh yeah.

 

This is an example of an idiot translation, it should just be other clans. But in this world, Roland is thinking about Lesley.

Only when it counts, and it counts when arrows and other sharp objects are coming in Montblanc's general direction

Montblanc is just making Roland feel better so doesn't he go back to cutting himself

One last gameplay note, this allows you to fight other clans now in random battles and do liberation missions, the former for cahs the latter for discounts

And that's a wrap for this chapter. Join us next time when we run into an old friend, and you'll never guess who it is.